Erik's Dilemma: A Parody
by Nicole the Vampiress
Summary: Some random nonsensicalness that may cause offense for the weak hearted.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own POTO. Duh. **

**Note from author: By writing this, I do not mean to make fun of Leroux, Kay, or Webber's characters. I adore them beyond anything. Just felt like poking fun at some of the horrid fan fiction out there! And the Mary Sue's, of course. Then I just felt like being random…Well, hope you like my having fun mocking the wonderful clichés of fan fiction writing!**

Erik was in absolute despair. Who wouldn't be, for God's sake? When your beloved leaves you for a guy who's more concerned about his hair than anything else, of course you'd be in as despondent a state as he.

So it was that he hadn't eaten for three days. Ever since she had left him, he had done nothing but gloat in his own misery, pitying himself. Torturing himself. He had spent hours at a time staring into a mirror with his mask off, somehow horrified over and over again by his own mutilated face, until he had broken into sobs and could look no more. But now he was merely sitting, his hands massaging his temples, silently humming to himself. He had to hum. He had to have noise. Or else he would hear her voice…and his, that stupid Vicomte! STUPID!

'_Hmm,' _he thought to himself, _'I am now not only mad but very, very childish, too. Stupid Raoul!' _Almost whining, _'I hate him! I hate him! I hate him! That fop! How dare he take her away from me? My angel, my darling angel…I can't live without her! Dear God, I want her. Give her to me! You have made my life far from good, so I must deserve this one pleasure in life. This one comfort.'_

Then he wept like a little boy with no mother. Wait, he really _had _been a little boy with no mother. So that wouldn't make a good simile. Okay, he wept like a caged animal. Wait… he really _had _been caged like an animal. I'm getting frustrated. Let us begin anew! Erik wept like a vain, materialistic man who knows only how to build upon his own hatred and anger against the world, forever gloating upon his own demise, one he believes was brought upon him because of his ugliness and not because of his sometimes violent and deranged behavior. Wait…I do believe someone needs a therapist! Poor, dear Erik. Still we love him. Perhaps, then, _we _need therapists.

To continue, he wept very, very violently because of Christine. That (BLEEP)! (And a string of curse words follows because fan fiction writers know of no other way to put an edge to their words. They're such brilliant writers!). Excuse my profanity.

He was so filled with anguish, an anguish so sappy no one could possible believe it possible or imagine it, except those totally freaking awesome fan fiction writers. Go them! Or us…Hmm…

It was like this that a young girl found him, somehow having been able to find her way there without getting herself killed because, of course, all beautiful ballet girls with perfect complexions, bright blue eyes, and silky red hair are very, very smart. Everyone knows that! And, apparently, curiosity didn't kill the cat.

She approached him with little fear, even though his mask lay beside him. He was shuddering with pitiful spasms of pain as she laid a hand on his shoulder and asked sweetly (too sweetly, if you ask me), "Monsieur, are you well?"

He, a man of grace and stealth and good hearing, somehow didn't hear her approach and so was very startled by her touch. He jumped up and scrambled some three or four feet or so away from her, like an animal. It was _he _that was the more frightened.

"Monsieur?" She picks up the mask tentatively. "Is this yours, monsieur?" She dared not to look at his face for sake of courtesy.

Suddenly, his Erik-like senses return to him and he shouts in a very imposing voice, "What are you doing here? You have no right to be here!" He takes a large step towards the girl.

She neither flinches nor moves. In the same sweet voice she apologizes, "I did not know anyone was down here, monsieur. I am very sorry to have intruded."

"Why are you not frightened, girl?" he hisses/seethes/fumes. He takes another menacing step towards the girl and reaches for her as if to grab her.

She still does not move and merely says, "Because I have no reason to be frightened, monsieur." She smiles innocently even as Erik's hands almost close around her throat. God. Someone needs to give this girl some self-defense lessons or a psychologist to teach her the value of her own life. Hey, maybe she's suicidal.

Erik brings his hands abruptly back to his sides and decides that she is too desirous to kill. There is a silence.

In a totally and completely Erik-like way, he says politely (politely?!), "Excuse me, mad'moiselle. I seem to have forgotten my manners." He takes the mask from her and says, "Thank you." He quickly puts it on, even as he is aware of himself blushing like a schoolgirl whose crush has just walked past.

She offers him her hand. "My name is Cherry Blossom. My Mama named me so because my lips are sensuous, so very luscious, and very beautifully red, of course. Very kissable. And, many say my lips smell and taste like Cherry Blossom chapstick, the ones with flavors, not just scents. But I don't know how anyone would know what a real cherry _blossom_ would taste like, so I don't know how they could make cherry blossom flavored chapstick. Anyhoo, would you like a taste?"

Erik takes her hand in his and kisses it tenderly. "No, thank you, sweet little girl. My name is Erik. I must be honest with you…I would like to know you better. What, pray, is your best quality? Your modesty, no doubt?"

Cherry Blossom laughs a sweet, silvery laugh. "No doubt. And," flirtatiously, "I would like to know _you _better, too."

And so the two spend a wonderful evening together, with only candlelight to illuminate their surroundings. They converse pleasantly, enjoying one another's company. Always chatty Erik finds that Cherry Blossom makes a wonderful talking companion. Most importantly to this story's sappy plotline, they both find that they like one another very much. For Cherry Blossom there begins to grow a feeling she cannot understand. Oh, can it be love? As for Erik, despite his knowledge of the fact that he is old enough to be the girl's father, even possibly her grandfather, he still finds himself with an undeniable craving for her. Could she replace Christine, that (BLEEP)? Christine, Christine, Christine, how could you?!

_**A few weeks later**_

Erik tastes Cherry Blossom's Cherry Blossom lips for the first time. It sets his heart afire. Mmmm! Cherry Blossom!

_**Yet another few weeks later**_

Erik and Cherry Blossom have long ago professed their love for one another, physically, emotionally, and verbally. They have been living together in perfect peace, for Erik's violent nature and Cherry Blossom's sweet disposition makes them perfect for one another. Someone once did say that opposites attract…

The once-aggressive-but-now-totally-watered-down-Erik says in a tone horrifyingly similar to Cherry Blossom's, "My love, I wish to ask you something."

"What is it, dearest?'

"Sweetheart, you mean the world to me. You know this, yes?"

"Why, of course, sugar."

(God, I think I'm going to throw up.)

"Will you-"

"What?"

"Will you marry me?"

Cherry Blossom sucks in her breath in surprise (why surprise, I don't know; they've been going at it for weeks and Erik is a very honorable man).

Before she can answer, Christine suddenly appears, followed by Raoul. "Erik!" she cries.

Cherry Blossom: horrified. Erik: almost equally horrified. He says cautiously, "Christine…what are you doing here?"

"To ask your apology. For I realized something I did not realize before. Erik, I…I love you, Erik. And I always have, I think. I've just been too blind to see it. Oh, Erik please say you forgive me!" Christine then rushes into Erik's arms.

Erik cannot speak. In fact, no one can speak. Christine notices the awkward silence and questions, "Erik? What is the matter? Do you no longer love me?"

Raoul, the fop, interjects, "Hey! What about me? I'm handsomer and richer and-"

Cherry Blossom looks at Erik. Erik looks at Christine and Cherry Blossom. Then, Cherry Blossom says gently, "Erik, tell her. Tell her we are to marry."

Erik and Christine cry at once, "Marry?!"

Cherry Blossom is now slightly flustered. "Yes, marry. I accept, Erik. I accept!' She then throws herself into his arms, too.

For a moment, everyone is motionless. Erik is stunned. Two girls? Two beautiful, sexy girls want him? How could this be? When he finally gains back his senses, he struggles away from both of them. They look at him questioningly, innocently, lovingly. It pains him to have to choose. He looks from one to the other, his eyes flickering upon one lovely complexion, then the other.

Both girls open their mouths to, I would think, make their arguments, but Erik silences them. He says to Cherry Blossom, "I know what you feel, dearest. It is Christine I wish to hear."

Christine thus begins. "Erik…I don't know how to tell you this…"

"What?"

"I am with child."

Confusedly, "Aren't you married to the Vicomte?"

"Yes…"

Raoul, who is long forgotten, shouts, "Don't tell him, Christine!'

Christine continues as if not interrupted, "We have learned…or rather I have learned that…well, erm…Raoul is…unable to perform."

Erik echoes, "Unable to perform?"

"Yes."

Raoul groans.

Erik, having understood Christine's meaning, laughs hysterically and is unable to stop. Cherry Blossom chuckles, despite the fact that she might lose the love of her life.

Christine pleads, "Erik, please! I have not yet gotten to my point."

Erik stops, but not without a struggle. "I'm sorry, Christine. Continue."

"Erik, the child…the child is yours."

Cherry Blossom and Erik cry simultaneously, "What?!"

Christine rolls her eyes, "Isn't it obvious?"

Raoul, meanwhile, preoccupies himself by stroking his hair.

Cherry Blossom asks, "Pert?"

Raoul replies with a snort, "Nope, Herbal Essences."

Erik covers his eyes with his hands like a child trying to shake off a nightmare. He mutters to himself, "Who to choose? Who to choose? Who to choose?"

Cherry Blossom asks sadly, "Don't you love me, Erik?'

Fervently, "Of course!"

Christine asks, "What of me?"

He is reluctant to reply, and only softly, "Of course."

Raoul shakes his mane of hair and says, as if speaking to a room of idiots, "Do you not see the obvious solution? I am not raising any child as ugly as him; unfortunately for the unborn child, it probably _will_ take on after its hideous father, who probably envies me but is too proud to admit it." He gestures to Erik. "So, Erik will live happily ever after with Christine and their child. I will take her." He points to Cherry Blossom. "Who would know the difference?'

At first, both Christine and Cherry Blossom are insulted, but they soon fall prey to laughter and so doe Erik.

Cherry Blossom turns Cherry Blossom red and Christine's beautiful, pale skin turns a pretty pink from the exertion of such laughter. And Erik…Erik is still wearing his mask, so how the (BLEEP) would I know? (Again, genius curse words for dramatic effect. Here I bow down to those awesome fan fiction writers once more.)

Between spurts of laughter, Erik manages to say, "As sharp as ever, eh, Raoul?"

Raoul feels his own cheeks turn a little pink from the attention; self-consciously he touches, or rather strokes, his hot skin. "Oh, stop!" he says with obvious pleasure. Whoa, dude. Didn't know he was _that _stupid. Then again, this world is full of idiots. Tis a shame.

Anyway, they all laugh and laugh and laugh (except our darling Raoul, though _he_ continues to blush ever deeper), obviously having momentarily forgotten their complicated love triangle. Rectangle. Thing. Then, Christine reaches for the plate of sweets that shortly before had not existed, on a table that had not been there. (Whoa. Magic…Ah, the sweet inconsistency of fan fiction. How I love thee!) For some idiotic reason, angelic, perfect, sweet, innocent, naïve Christine puts some sweets into her mouth while laughing. Even four year olds know not to stuff food down their throats _while _in the middle of side-splitting laughter.

She makes a strangled noise, puts her hands delicately to her throat, and turns a funny color. Raoul does not notice, too engrossed is he in admiring his new future wife, Cherry Blossom. Cherry Blossom does not notice, for she is still laughing. How could one laugh for so long? It's like one of those creepy kiddie toys…As for Erik, he actually does notice Christine's turning blue but attributes it to all her laughing rather than anything potentially life threatening. Like sweets stuck in one's throat.

Then Christine falls to the ground. Not with a thud, of course. Oh, no! Maidens in stories can never fall with a thud.

Raoul rushes to her after briefly fixing his shirt. Cherry Blossom finally, FINALLY stops laughing. It's been so long since she started that she's actually forgotten why she had begun laughing in the first place. She stares at the ceiling trying to remember. Erik, suddenly characteristically somber, with no sarcasm on my part (in character? didn't know that could happen in fan fiction), hurries to Christine's side, making it there before Raoul.

Not having known that Christine fell from lack of oxygen, Erik does not know what to do. He picks her up in his arms and presses his nose to her lovely hair, breathing in her sultry scent. (Uh-oh. Here comes the sappiness.) He breathes, with great anxiety, "Christine. Christine…"

Miraculously, because miracles really do come true, Christine sits up, coughing wretchedly until whatever was stuck in her throat flies out. And hits Raoul with amazing force in the eye. "Ow! My beautiful, mesmerizing eye!" cries he.

"Oh, Erik," whispers Christine as she presses her face into his shoulder. "How I love you."

"Christine, how I have wronged you! How could I have forgotten the love I feel for you? Even if it were for a moment, I should not have forgotten. For my love for you is of the deepest kind. Nothing can surpass it!" Then, suddenly, with childish delight, "Ooh! A penny!" He picks it off of the ground until continuing, "Please forgive me, my dearest. Please." (I guess near death experiences really _are _good ways to bring people back together. Yay!)

Christine, with her characteristic dazed, unfocused look, caresses his face, compassion shining in her eyes. And something else: love. That (BLEEP) really does love him. "Erik…of course I forgive you. Oh, Erik!" She kisses him passionately and actually moans when his searching lips finally meets hers. Shut your eyes, little children!

Cherry Blossom, having had to endure this steamy love scene of which she is not part of, finally cannot bear it any longer. With tears running down her cheeks, she implores Erik, "What of me? You asked me to marry you! And I accepted…What of us? We had something so strong, Erik. I love you. I know I do! And I know you love me."

Erik gently puts Christine to the ground. His eyes are tormented.

Cherry Blossom prompts tentatively, "Don't you, Erik?"

Erik turns to her. With an unsteady voice, he replies, "I do."

Raoul, who we've forgotten for the longest time (and it really isn't fair), says, "For God's sake! Pick! Would you like me to do it for you? Personally pregnant women aren't for me but-"

Raoul is stopped by Erik's breaking into tears. Apparently, Cherry Blossom has uncovered Erik's hidden emotions, broken down his sturdy mental walls layer by layer, has made him vulnerable. She'd make a good psychologist, then, huh? The blocking of suffering, the building of a wall, has been Erik's source of refuge and with it gone, he has become a blundering, sensitive, emotional wreck (though still strangely hot). Poor Erik! This thus explains his breaking into tears.

Christine stares in horror at the weeping Erik. She has never seen him so and has only known his strong, sexy, alluring, mysterious, though sometimes violent, person. Cherry Blossom's tears run faster. Though not the darling Erik Christine knows, the one on the floor with a runny nose is the one _she _has cultured and she feels for him terribly. Wanting to end this miserable scene, she gives him an ultimatum (there has to be at least one!). "Erik…" She pulls out a knife from thin air. (How I adore clichés! _Very _inventive.) "Erik, if you do not pick me, I understand. But if you do not pick me, I will no longer have anything to live for." She raises the knife to her wrists. "Thus I will kill myself…if you choose Christine."

Erik stops weeping, rises from the ground, and takes a step toward Cherry Blossom, all in one movement. How is that possible? He stares at the knife, silently stunned at her words.

She continues, "Do not feel sorry for me, Erik. Feel no guilt if I should not be the one for you! But let me end my life, the suffering I might have to endure without you."

"You're serious, aren't you?"

"Of course I am."

"Cherry Blossom, my beloved, please…Don't be so rash."

"Rash? To die for love is not a rash choice." (See? She _is_ suicidal. But dying for love is somehow acceptable by society. Like Juliet did or Guinevere… Great. Let's add Cherry Blossom to the list of psychotic drama queens.)

There is a dramatic silence. Christine seizes the moment to forcefully turn Erik from Cherry Blossom, to embrace him as tightly as possible, and kiss him tenderly, all in one movement. How is that possible? In that one instant, Cherry Blossom really does decide to be suicidal. With her eyes heavy with tears, she slowly, methodically, puts the cool blade to her skin and cuts deeply. Blood spills freely.

Raoul yawns, bored at this parade of love.

As soon as Erik can break free from Christine's hold, he turns back to Cherry Blossom to find her on the floor, surrounded by her own blood. A very big, rapidly growing pool of it. He smiles wickedly and says playfully, "Come now, Cherry Blossom! I know you're just faking it. Really, don't you believe me smarter than this,_Anyone_ would know that one does not bleed so quickly from so small a wound. And _I _happen to not be just anyone."

Cherry Blossom rises briefly to say, "Small? This is not (BLEEP)-ing small!" She collapses to the floor again, motionless.

"Oh, no! Cherry Blossom! This really isn't a game. You're dying!"

Cherry Blossom rises again. "You're damn right I am!" She falls back, looking dead once more.

Cherry Blossom is now dead. Really, truly dead. Officially dead. It is official now. No more rising up, no more sassy remarks. She is gone. Weep for her, damn you! Weep! Weep as poor Erik does as he kneels to the floor to check her pulse.

"Her heart beats no longer, " is all he says. All his miserable emotions (even more miserable than they were at the beginning of this story, if such a thing could be possible) he portrays in the most romantic gestures of love as he kneels beside her, weeping for her untimely death. (Untimely? Death is not untimely for one who is suicidal, right? Whatever…who am I to criticize the life story of beloved Erik?)

Christine, feigning sadness says to Erik, "I'm so sorry, Erik…Please, darling-"

Cutting her off with a return of his violent nature, Erik very nearly screams, "You are not sorry! You wanted this to happen, you selfish girl! Look at her…my angel…so beautiful in death. She looks so peaceful." Spitefully, "I wish I could join her!"

Both Christine and Raoul look at the gruesome, bloody figure on the floor. Christine throws up. Raoul does, too, after which he wipes his mouth on his shirt and approaches Erik. Putting a comforting hand to his shoulder, Raoul says, "Don't worry. Some people have even worse of problems. Take me, for instance. I'm a hermaphrodite."

Christine's head snaps to Raoul. Erik suddenly stops his weeping. Amused, he says to Raoul, "Really."

Raoul nods solemnly, not noticing that Erik is holding back laughter. "Upon my soul."

Christine is very red in the face, but still angelically beautiful somehow. Can angels be this mad? "You didn't bother to tell _me _this!" she hisses.

Erik laughs, for though one beloved lies cold on the floor, the plights of the other makes him helpless in his amusement. "You've been married to him for how long? How could you not have known, dear Christine? Didn't know you were so _very_ blind. I mean you love _me_ for God's sake, abhorrent sunburn and all! But to not know-" Here he breaks into more giddy laughter that is not very appreciated by Christine.

Mutters Raoul, "Tell me about it…"

Erik's insensitivity causes Christine to start weeping. (I think we need more Kleenex.) Suddenly remembering the tragic loss of his Cherry Blossom, Erik starts weeping as well. (Definitely more Kleenex.) And afraid for their hideous unborn child, Erik takes Christine into his arms to say that all is forgiven, though all really isn't forgiven, but he does it anyways to prevent Christine from wanting to do anything stupid. Like killing herself with a knife. Meanwhile, Raoul, a little teary-eyed, suddenly cannot bear the sight of the two miserable together, so he begins wailing and embraces them both. And it is in this strange tri-person embrace that they remain for a very long time, Christine beginning to get cramps, Raoul happily practicing his theatrical sobbing, and Erik the only one truly mourning the loss of Cherry Blossom.

**Another note from author: So, the epic tale continues. Excuse the heightened randomness. To be continued further! Look out for the idiotic continuation! Please review! And, FYI, I am very, very, very new at this, so please don't be so very harsh. **


	2. Chapter 2

Seven long months have passed. Christine's messed-up hormones, Erik's getting tired of these messed-up hormones, and the fop Raoul crying a lot because of these messed-up hormones has all resulted in the birth of a beautiful baby girl. I personally don't know how newborn babies can be called beautiful. I mean, have you seen pictures? Anyhoo, the labor has taken a horrid toll on delicate, frail Christine and thus we find her on her deathbed, only two days after the birth of her daughter.

"Promise me," begins Christine in a weak whisper (like in all the other romantic stories in which characters die).

Erik brings his ear closer to Christine's lips and says, "What, my dearest? What must I promise you to ease your passing?"

"Gee, you're positive," Christine mutters.

Erik does not hear and only presses further, "Pray, tell me what is on your mind!"

"Promise to take care of my child."

"Of course! How could you assume my doing otherwise? I will love her as no father has ever loved his daughter. She will be my princess and I will make for her a palace."

Christine opens her mouth to say something, but her head goes limp upon her pillow before she can. And she dies. With a smirk on her face.

Raoul rushes to her bedside and cries, "Christine! I did not get to say goodbye!" He buries his head into her awesome hair and sobs.

Erik remarks dryly, "I didn't think you loved her."

"I didn't, but she was my wife. And she was so pretty, too!"

Erik's eyes are painfully sad. (Aren't they always?) He picks his daughter up from her crib and thinks, '_You will be my own, my precious. I will love you forever. You are mine, ma cherie. Dear God, how I loved your mother. How I loved her!' _He remembers something strange that Christine had said as she lay dying just a moment before: _'Promise to take care of my child…' _He puts his finger into the baby's hands idly and feels her tiny fists curl around it tightly. _My _child, she had said? Why not _our _child? Then there had been her smirk…He shakes it off. Christine _had_ been delirious. He looks down at his daughter and nearly drops her when he realizes it is _Raoul _squeezing his finger. A man of relatively good hearing and sight, he had somehow managed not to hear or see Raoul's approach. He shakes off his finger from Raoul's grasp. "What was that for?" he demands.

"Nothing. Just needed comfort." In his pain and distress, Raoul smoothes back his silky hair. What a fop.

Erik rolls his eyes.

"I've been thinking, Erik…"

In an exasperated tone, "What?"

"The child is _not _hideous. And I think I'm more capable of raising her than you. I shall take her off your hands." Raoul says this with overdone nobleness.

Erik glares at Raoul in silence. As if he would let this idiot raise his kid!

Somehow Raoul takes Erik's silence as an agreement. He raises his hands in the air and says, "Really, really. No need to thank me. It is my pleasure."

"She is _my_ daughter! You are not raising her."

"So you're going to raise her in this beautiful underground palace of yours? Nice, dude."

" I am not a dude!"

There is a silence between them.

Raoul begins again, "But I want her!"

Fiercely, Erik retorts, "Why?!"

"Because she's beautiful. Just look at her…"

Suddenly, Erik's anger dissipates. He agrees with a faint smile, "Yes, she most definitely is."

"I have an idea."

"Is it as genius as your last?"

Raoul does not catch on to Erik's sarcasm and says with pleasure, "It most certainly is. Why don't we share her? We can raise her together. A team is better than one!"

"_We? Together?" _Erik almost snorts.

"Why not? I'm not letting you take her. And you're not giving her up."

Erik is stunned. Words that make logical sense from the mouth of Raoul…it is unthinkable indeed!

"Just one thing," says Erik. "_We _are not a couple."

Raoul rolls his eyes and responds, "Course not, you freak." But he blushes still. A bit suspicious, eh?

They stand together, huddled over the little baby girl. (Aww…what a sweet family. They definitely belong together.)

"What should we name her?" asks Erik. "She doesn't have a name."

"What about Sweet-ums?'

Erik thinks about this for a moment and says, "Nah. What about Sugar?"

It is Raoul's turn to think, though before this moment I didn't actually think he could. "I like that," says he.

"It's settled then, my little Sugar…"

And so the three have a wonderful life together, Raoul playing the role of the father and Erik playing the maternal role because everyone knows he's _sooooo _motherly. Sugar grows to be as beautiful as her mother but as intelligent as her father, Erik, and, unfortunately for her, as foppish as Raoul. Erik's violent nature is never seen again, much softened by the sweet stupidity of his partner, Raoul. Raoul and Erik later buy their daughter a dog which they name Sugar, then a cat also named Sugar, and they all live in blissful happiness in a household filled with sugar. It isn't until Erik lays on his deathbed, with Raoul beside him and Sugar looking over him like the angel she is, that he realizes he never had sex with Christine.

**Wrote this very, very quickly. Didn't really feel like finishing this story, but I have, just for the sake of finishing it. If any of you care enough, and if some of you ask me to, I will rewrite it eventually. Not that, again, anyone really cares…**


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